8 of the dumbest apps in existence today

The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app has taken the world by storm, presumably either because Kris Jenner has a super-secret mind control device like the world’s lamest and most obnoxious Bond villain, or because we’re all ridiculous idiots. Either way. Thanks to this communal brain softening, we thought it would be a good time to take a look into the gaping maw of the app market, do our best not to let it turn our brains to jelly, and bring you these, eight of the dumbest apps of them all.

8. ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood’

We’ll start with Kim K, who I’m convinced has to be dealing with some dark magic to constantly turn shit into gold like this. Yet again, she has made millions of dollars from something ridiculous, this time an app that lets you be a part of Kim’s grotesque, sideshow vision of Hollywood, building your way up to A-List status by doing all the horrible shit Kim and her kin are forced to do by their insane puppet master mom/manager, Kris Jenner. Alas, there’s no “sex tape” stage or “get pissed on, move up to B-List status” stage, but they have to leave something for the inevitable sequel, I guess.

7. ‘Guess the Emoji’

This is basically deciphering hieroglyphics for morons. It’s exactly what it says – you’re given an emoji or series of emojis and then asked to guess what idea they’re trying to convey. I’m not quite sure why we needed this, especially because we already have that game. It’s called Facebook and Twitter, and every idiot you know is already playing.

7. ‘Water Globe’

Look, there are literally thousands of apps just as stupid as this – it’s an app that lets you turn your phone’s display into a snow/water globe – but what sets the water globe apart is that it is inexplicably priced at $219.99. What in the…? Is there anyone on Earth who has actually paid for this app? And if there is, can you please give them my number. I have some very important investment opportunities for them.

5. ‘Pocket Girlfriends’

Now this is just sad. It basically turns your phone into a virtual girlfriend, which, if we’re being honest, has already happened for a lot of dudes out there. Don’t lie, you know what debauched nonsense you’ve whispered to Siri in the dark of the night. This app, though, takes it further, by letting you dress up an avatar, interact with it, deal with its moods, etc. About the only thing you can’t do is actually bone it, but I’m sure that Apple is working on that as we speak for the iPhone 6. But for now, it’s like having a platonic robot girlfriend, which means that even your own phone has friendzoned you, dude. Shameful.

4. ‘Cry Translator’

This app promises to translate the cries of your baby so that you know what the little brat is hollering about. And if you’re actually using this thing, jamming your phone in your baby’s face while he wails away, then I’m pretty sure his cries will be translated as “Help! My parents suck! They’ll probably accidentally flush me down the toilet one day!” There. Problem solved.

3. ‘Sexy Finger Print Test HD’

Oh, Jesus Christ. This particular app asks you to place your fingerprint on the phone and then it reads all sorts of ridiculous shit about you and your love life, promising to somehow let you know when you’re at your sexiest and most appealing so that you can time your lecherous advances just right. Yeah. It’s basically dumber than astrology. But what makes it even dumber, heinously dumb even, is that it costs $99.99. Yeah, you read that right. To be fair, I’m guessing the apps’ creators knew that anyone dumb enough to buy into the ridiculous premise in the first place was going to also be dumb enough to drop 100 bones on it. Or maybe it just costs that much because hidden in the app is a super-secret sterilization program that takes your DNA from the phone and makes sure that it can never be replicated. One can only hope.

2. ‘Yo’

You knew this would be on here. That’s because in spite of its absurd premise – it’s an app that just texts the word “Yo” to your idiot friends – it’s made millions of dollars for its developers and… this is just too depressing to think about any more. What a ridiculous age.

1. ‘Hold the Button’

It’s exactly what it says. You push and hold down a button and then the app gives you a score based on how long you can press the damn thing like a drooling simpleton. I don’t think I want to live in this world anymore. Good Lord.

Tablet image by Shutterstock

Sex doll image by Shutterstock

Button image by Shutterstock

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Kim Kardashian’s stupid video game is going to make $200 million

I think the fact that Kim Kardashian’s video game is set to make $200 million officially means that we need to start society over Ra’s al Ghul/League of Shadows-style.

Sorry, that was a The Dark Knight Rises reference that some of you may not have gotten, but in short what I mean is that we have now reached the point where it might be a good idea to just blow everything up and start the world over from scratch.

Related: Yo, Kim Kardashian, we can all see your nipple

Reports The Huffington Post …

Plenty of people are spending their money on the surprisingly high-rated game to zip up the ranks and earn their place at the top of the A-list. According to Bloomberg News, since its release on June 25, “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” has peaked at the second most-downloaded free game in Apple’s U.S. App Store, and currently is the third most-downloaded free game.

In-app purchases from the game have driven shares of creator Glu Mobile Inc. up 42 percent, and one analyst estimates that the game is on track to reach $200 million in revenue this year.

For those unfamiliar with the game, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, (and God bless you if you are), here’s what all the hubbub is about…

So sad. So very sad.

Related: Kim Kardashian talked about how she’s a ‘working mom’

Kim Kardashian’s Video Game Is On Track To Earn $200 Million [HuffPo]

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What your texting style says about you

MTV Guy Code

Sure, you may not do something really weird with your phone like talk on it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re using it correctly. Check out what girls might be assuming about you based on the way you text. [LINK]

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What if Facebook status updates were honest? This is what they’d look like

BroBible

With so many people posting on Facebook every day, there is a pattern of status updates and posts that appear frequently. The only problem is that they’re not all totally honest. Here’s what they’re really saying. [LINK]

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Feedly is down, being held ransom by attackers

Feedly

Did you just spend about ten minutes trying to figure out why Feedly isn’t loading? You’re not alone. The RSS feeder is under attack from cyber punks.

Feedly is currently in a stranglehold DDoS (distributed denial of service) attack. They announced the news earlier this morning on their official blog. Feedly explains in the brief message that the DDoS perpetrator is “holding Feedly ransom” and demanding money to stop the attack. In a true action movie move, the company has refused to comply.

Edwin Khodabakchian, the CEO of Feedly, made a statement earlier today about the service and the demands of the cyber attackers.

“Criminals are attacking feedly with a distributed denial of service attack (DDoS). The attacker is trying to extort us money to make it stop. We refused to give in and are working with our network providers to mitigate the attack as best as we can.”

What the heck is Feedly?

For those unfamiliar, Feedly is a news aggregator application available for various Web browsers and mobile devices. It’s also available as a cloud-based service. It compiles news feeds from a variety of online sources for the user to customize and share with others.

If you’re concerned about any personal information, or the fact you subscribe to so many cats dressed as boy bands websites, the CEO assured all users that their info is safe. “We are working in parallel with other victims of the same group and with law enforcement,” Khodabakchian explained.

Evernote, which integrates with Feedly, suffered a similar attack early this morning. Service was quickly restored. So either the Evernote people played ball or there was a shootout at the Nakatomi building. No civilian causalities but a couple RSS feeds were caught in the crossfires. It doesn’t look like Mashable is going to live to see tomorrow.

[via Official Statement ]

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The 9 types of Yelp reviewers: From worst to best

Yelp helps us pick restaurants, praise them for a great experience and berate them for failing to deliver. But it also reflects human nature in unexpected ways. Here are the nine types of reviewers you will find on Yelp. Which one are you?

Did we forget any? Let us know in the comments.

9. The Butthurt

The food was great, the atmosphere was wonderful, and the overall experience would have been too, except for the fact that the waiter wasn’t gratuitously friendly. Ouch.

Rating: 1 Star

8. The Out of Place

Some people have no business going on Yelp to post a review at all. These people are: vegetarians who feel betrayed by the dearth of options at a salumeria or barbecue joint, a meat-lover complaining about the dainty selection at the vegetarian place they were dragged to by their hippie girlfriend, someone who’s never had Indian food before and then complains that it’s too flavorful for their white bread palate, someone who pops into a highly regarded restaurant with beautifully presented, unique dishes and is upset to find there is no option for a green salad with skinless boneless grilled chicken and dressing on the side.

Rating: 1 Star

7. The Diva

Divas can pretty much be summed up by the bitchy things they vocalize: “My burger was too ethnic tasting.” “They didn’t have my favorite brand of bottled water.” “Their bathroom didn’t have an attendant.” “Their valet parking took soooooo long.” “It wasn’t expensive enough to feel like a splurge.”

Rating: 1 Star

6. The Cheap

So, you’ve just graduated from high school as well as from Chipotle being your big splurge meal. And you can’t understand why the appetizers cost twice as much as a value meal. Oh, you’re not a high schooler? Maybe just go to a place that’s within your means then. And don’t decide to leave the wait staff tip-less, just on principle.

Rating: 2 Stars

5. The Debater

No matter how many four- and five-star reviews exist for the business they’re reviewing, they have oh so many quite significant complaints, and will point them out along with a defiant mention of how everyone else with four- and five-star reviews is wrong. Maybe there’s some merit to what they’re saying, but it’s okay to dislike this Yelper anyhow.

Rating: 2 Stars

4. The Business Owner

The business owner sometimes steps in to comment on reviews. If they have a sense of customer service, they’ll show gratitude for positive reviews and remorse for negative ones. Then there are the ones who go all Amy’s Baking Company on the hapless reviewer and burst a skull vessel at any hint of dissent, whether deserved or not.

Rating: 1-5 Stars

3. The Hangry

Ravenous folks don’t have a lot of patience. And for some, there’s only a fine line between hunger and anger. At that point it becomes the eatery’s job to calm their hunger pangs and raise their blood sugar. But if a bread basket does not grace the table, you can be there’ll be hell to pay…on the Internet.

Rating: Since it’s understandable and I may or may not be one of these people, 3 Stars

2. The Photog

Almost every picture that makes it onto Yelp looks terrible. Thankfully, there is one type of user that actually takes pride in the picture they take, paying attention to composition, color and subject rather than taking indistinguishable globs of grayish matter or an over-exposed piece of who-the-hell-knows on a bed of what-the-crap-is-that?

Rating: 4 Stars

1. The Hilarious

If a review starts off with something along the lines of “Have you ever cried through your butt? Would you like to?” you might be in for a treat. Some Yelpers have been blessed with an abundance of wit – and they use it well. We salute you, hilarious Yelp reviewers.

Rating: 5 Stars

Yelp image by Gil C/Shutterstock

Locked money image by Shutterstock

Bill Engvall image by Randy Miramontez/Shutterstock

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What your choice of social media says about you

If you’re a living, breathing person right now, there is roughly a 278% chance that you use at least one social media site, and probably more than one. But not every social media site is the same, and each one says something a little bit different about its users. And so, both for your enjoyment and your continued education and personal development, we explain to you just what exactly your choice of social media says about you.

• Tumblr

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re sensitive, maybe even a little poetic, with a deep appreciation for the arts. You think a good picture can express a thousand words, and if those words all happen to be about your favorite TV couple, then so be it.

What It Actually Says: You got banned from Hot Topic after staging a sit in after the store manager failed to appropriately communicate a “trigger warning” while putting out vampire themed tee-shirts that remind you of your ex-boyfriend, who started his own bite club in high school. Your pictures do indeed say 1,000 words, but most of those words are the barely articulated squealing of obsessed fangirls and fanboys, interspersed with the occasional cat meme.

• LinkedIn

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re a serious professional who understands the power of networking. You don’t have time for nonsense like cat pictures or arguing about the outrage of the day. Time is money, and you know how to spend it wisely.

What It Actually Says: You’ve got a job, but are not only willing to listen to other offers, but can’t wait to leave, and oh shit, your boss just walked by, do you think he saw? Also, it’s nice to keep up with your old roommate Sheila, but only as long as your resume looks better. Either that, or you created an account six years ago, and are just now remembering that it exists.

• MySpace

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re both loyal and a nonconformist who doesn’t need to rush to be part of the next big thing. You’re cool enough to make MySpace cool again.

What It Actually Says: You’re comfortable that your only friends left on the site are Tom and those mysterious accounts with a tumbleweed avatar. You’re too lazy to create an account anywhere else, and/or are so behind the times that even your grandma talks shit about you behind your back. You are super proud of your new flip phone.

• Pinterest

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re artistic, a little quirky, and have a genuine passion for your artisanal hobbies. You love your kids to death, you’re super friendly and just want to share your cool world with all your friends, and maybe one day you can even open your own little side business together!

What It Actually Says: You’re wearing mom jeans right now, and that cute little gingerbread man baking in the oven will come out looking more like Shrek if his face was melted by acid. You’re really, really hoping the damn kid will just sleep for another 15 minutes and Sheila can make her own damn mini-soaps because this wine isn’t going to drink itself.

• Last.fm

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re a ride or die type that isn’t about to abandon a service just because it isn’t popular anymore. You have the best taste in music. All your friends say so and now everyone can see it for themselves.

What It Actually Says: You’ve somehow been magically transported back to 2006, and your friends are really worried about you, because apparently you’ve been listening to the same Fall Out Boy song 26 times a day. You’re really excited for that new show Gossip Girl, and you just hope Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie can work it out.

• Google+

What You Think It Says About You: That you’re too cool for Facebook, and… be honest, you forgot you even opened an account, didn’t you?

What It Actually Says: Nothing, because nobody even knows that you’re using it.

• Instagram

What You Think It Says About You: That you have the eye of a true photographer poet, and that your life is so interesting that even perfect strangers will want to see what you had for dinner, or marvel at the splendor of your nephew’s birthday cake.

What It Actually Says: You may be illiterate, and your cat probably runs and hides every time he sees you pointing your phone in his direction. Also, you can’t wait until that bitch Sheila sees this picture of you in your bikini that you took during your vacation to Hawaii. She’s gonna be so jealous.

• Twitter

What You Think It Says About You: You’re too literate for those mouth-breathers on Facebook, and that you are changing the world one tweet at a time. Traditional media is dead, because you’re breaking news in real time, and when you’re not doing that, you’re reveling in the admiration of your thousands of followers, who all hang on your every word and think that you’re a comedic genius.

What It Actually Says: You like to argue. About everything. And you’re outraged by even more than that. In fact, you’re probably outraged by this. 99% of your tweets are completely ignored, most of your followers secretly think you’re an annoying dick and only follow you because you follow them back, creating an echo-chamber of barely acknowledged inanity and self-righteous rage. Also, your vaunted “literacy” has been reduced by the format to a sort of pidgin English that appears unintelligible to everyone else, and traditional media has to spend most of its time cleaning up your messes after you fucked up yet another story. But hey, at least you got retweeted by Ashton Kutcher that one time.

• Facebook

What You Think It Says About You: You are with it, man. You know what’s going on, and you’ve got your finger on the pulse of pop culture. Your profile isn’t so much a biography as a statement, and that statement is that you’re young, and you’re cool because you’ve got a Facebook page.

What It Actually Says: You’re 53 years-old and all your daughter’s friends think you’re creepy because you keep commenting on their updates. That same daughter showed you how to sign up for Facebook, and now you spend all your time playing Farmville and posting lyrics to patriotic country songs. The rest of the Internet frightens and confuses you, and your wife’s friend, Sheila, doesn’t know how to tell her that you’ve been Facebook stalking her. Status: tragic.

Social media image by scyther5/Shutterstock

MySpace image by 360b/Shutterstock

Google+ image by scyther5/Shutterstock

Facebook image by Quka/Shutterstock

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5 reasons why men should quit Facebook

MTV Guy Code

Facebook isn’t what it used to be and caring about it isn’t super manly or necessary. Anything you can do on Facebook, you can do in real life with some balls. Here’s why it might be time to call it quits. [LINK]

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15 great sports apps you never knew you needed

Bleacher Report

Twitter and Facebook are okay for sports, but fall short in many areas. Thankfully, jocks and nerds built some pretty dope sports apps for fans to use and these are the ones that you need. [LINK]

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